“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”