“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."