“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.