“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana