“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”