“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln