“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.