"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.