“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"Time wounds all heels."
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author