“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous