“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."