“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing