“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde