"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Time wounds all heels."
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin