"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”