“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey