“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield