"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown