"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown