"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”