“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown