“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”