"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.