"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”