"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry