“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Monday should be optional.”
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley