“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”