“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin