"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends