“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger