“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger