"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner