“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault