“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger