Funny Quotes

The funniest quotes that have made us laugh for years, plus some more modern ones...

Funny Quotes

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”

- Lloyd Alexander.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”

- Valeriu Butulescu.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright