"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris