“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."