“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Monday should be optional.”
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt