“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright