“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets