“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous