“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien