“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns