“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."