"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft