"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous