“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Monday should be optional.”
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright