“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends