"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
The temperature can only go up from here.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"