“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.