"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman