“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson