"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar