“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust