“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx