"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck