"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.