"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat