"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette