“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.