“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith