"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
The temperature can only go up from here.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”