“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe