“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb