"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan