"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog